You’d think last year’s list of weirdest calendars would be hard to top, what with the drunken owls and human limbs in formaldehyde and all.
Never fear, lovers of the dumb, the distasteful, and/or the downright divergent. This year’s crop of calendar strangeness will make sure every loopy aunt, anti-social nephew, and creepy uncle gets a gift this holiday.
1. Nice Jewish Guys
If your own mom isn’t around to harass you about settling down, let this 2013 calendar do it for her. Meet Yan, who idolizes his brother and once won a car on The Price Is Right. Or David, who makes a mean challah french toast. While you’re at it, eat something. You look thin. And would it kill you to call your mother once in awhile? (Modern Tribe)
2. Bare Naked Caving
Cue the stalagmite jokes. Last year’s list of weird calendars featured naked archaeologists. Not to be outdone, this time the spelunking folk (both men and women) have shed their clothes and their dignity in the name of charity. According to press, some of the features include Swildon’s Hole and Giant’s Hole. Please let those be caves. (Westminster Speleological Group)
3. Accordion Babes
These days you can’t just have a pin-up calendar. Like the musical Gypsy tells us, “you gotta have a gimmick.” That’s why we have Women in Waders and Girls with Corpses. What’s refreshing about these accordion babes is that they’re not mere models -- they’re all actual accordion players. Sexy accordion players. Apparently, that’s a thing. (Etsy)
4. Sexy Putin
The Russian martial arts-trained, polar bear-tranquilizing, Formula 1-racing prez just can’t keep his shirt on. Unfortunately, this calendar is a little pricy, so it might cost you yours, too. (Cafe Press)
5. Weird Horse
This calendar just might defy explanation, but let’s try. It’s twelve months of the same bizarre horse picture, photoshopped onto random scenery, such as in a field of hay, with a floating image of the head of Carlton, from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. A product review sums it up: “Never in my life have I seen a more inane product.” The first 100 orders will be ostensibly signed by the horse. (Weird Horse)
6. Lay Z Gaga
Twelve months of a poodle modeling different looks worn by Lady Gaga. The model apparently couldn’t stop eating the meat dress long enough to take the cover shot. Points are also lost for the lack of a recreation of “Telephone” with, say, a Rottweiler Beyonce. (Calendars.com)
7. I Eat Babies
Sometimes things are described as being dull as wallpaper. Imagine how much duller it would be if there weren’t even wallpaper to keep you occupied. Now you’ll never have to find out. Keep an eye out for next year’s fascinating calendars, Dishwater and Paint Drying. (Calendars.com)
9. Bad Sofas
This is just the thing to hang above your brown plaid sofa, if you’re not worried about marring the faux-wood paneling. (Calendars.com)
10. City Chickens and Their Coops
I know, I know, city chickens are a thing now. Featuring the proud residents in front of their trendy coops, though, smacks a little of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. With chickens. (Northern Sun)
11. Bonus! 2012’s Most Bizarre Calendars that Updated for 2013
Zlata the contortionist's 2013 calendar, though unfortunately not available in the US, and despite the workplace theme, the rest of the site is probably not safe for work.
Goats in Trees, back for more goat-y treeness.
Naked archaeologists, still digging naked.
This year’s list was reallllly hard to narrow down. Use the Facebook link to the right to like Book Dirt, and I'll be posting all the weird 2013 calendars that didn’t make the cut.